We got our certificate in the mail yesterday, and despite my fantasizing about the ideal Rogue Elopement, we’re stoked. It’s all legal! Now I can drive recklessly and take up chain smoking since I’m on his fantastic health insurance plan. Isn’t that the point of the piece of paper?
Anyways, I confess, I don’t know what to write about here anymore. My journey to married-dom is over. I’m not launching into having a baby Any.Time.Soon. And Meg, over at A Practical Wedding, has all bases covered for newlyweds with her Reclaiming Wife series. In fact, her post today on Etsy sums up newly wed life from every angle.
My experience with newlywed life so far: It rocks. We returned from the honeymoon and I felt refreshed, energized, and like I had all the time in the world! Not planning a wedding anymore is glorious, don’t let anyone tell you different (see, Meg is so much nicer than I am too – she’ll pat you on the head and validate your feelings of post-wedding emptiness. I’m more likely to slap you upside the head and say “get a hobby”).
But my newlywed state really hit home yesterday when I sat down with my oldest friend, who is in the middle of making the biggest mistake of his life.
Here’s his story – he’s had a number of dumb relationships with girls who were not right for him. He’s had a number of unrequited crushes on girls who were not right for him. Four years ago, he met an amazing girl – she’s sweet, smart, supportive of him to a fault, and is head over heels in love with him. She’s cute too. They’ve been living together for 2-3 years of their 4 year relationship, but when he decided to go to grad school on the opposite coast a few months ago, he told her she wasn’t coming with.
I learned this three weeks before my wedding, and it was all I could do not to sit him down for a friend-to-friend talk along the lines of “What are you thinking?!” That conversation had to wait until after my honeymoon – had to wait until yesterday.
Long story short, He’s Not That Into Her. Which is information she could have used, oh, three years ago. Nice of him to slip into the comfort of a convenient relationship. But, while I’m sorely disappointed in my friend – it hurts when someone you love behaves in an un-lovely way – I am so grateful for my husband. I am so grateful for the fact that when we saw each other we appreciated the excellent qualities we observed.
We appreciate each other.
Fuck feeling in love. I mean, really, basing a marriage on feelings is a direct route to failure, because feelings come and go. I love my husband, but there are minutes in the day when I see he hasn’t refilled the ice cube tray (YET AGAIN) that I’m not feeling that lovey emotion. But what we have is a deep, constant, appreciation of each other’s character, personality, intelligence, wit, integrity, sense of humor, generosity – and yes, dare I say it: fashion sense.
If my friend had that perspective, he’d know enough to marry that girl, because she has it all. And thank God my husband and I found each other, because finding that one person who appreciates you is the best feeling in the world.
Gotta disagree on a few of your points. You damn well better have that feeling in love in the beginning, and in the years that follow (in waves). Marriage is hard work and there are plenty of downs, sometimes more than the ups. You NEED that reminder of that feeling to get you through the times when your partner is not so charming.
As far as your friend….he didn’t “settle”. Never settle when it comes to long term foreverness. This girl may have it all, but maybe not the “all” that he wants. And then she would be settling too.
Sometimes relationships just run their course, and maybe that’s what happened. It’s not a bad thing, hopefully it makes you a better person for the next phase in your life which might be a married phase….or not.
Just my .02….really enjoy your posts, please keep’em coming.
Love your handle Married Old Hag! I completely agree that the feeling has to be there in the beginning – never meant to imply it doesn’t. It’s the basis for everything that comes afterwards. But I think a lot of people think of love as only that initial feeling of passion – so when that feeling comes and goes, they say “Oh, I’ve fallen out of love” and go on to the next new relationship, and the next, and the next. My father is still under the impression that love is the feeling of initial passion and can’t understand why his marriages don’t work out.
I’m crossing my fingers that my friend comes to his senses. The girl is perfect for him, and everyone loves her – but him, apparently. As for her, I hope that she comes to her senses and realizes she deserves a whole lot better treatment. She’s amazing, and any guy who can drop that doesn’t deserve to have it.
It is a reminder of how lucky we ladies are who have fabulous loving husbands who appreciate us (and we appreciate them – a lot!).
Unfortunately your friend’s story is the reason I’m going to have a serious talk with my future daughter about not living with boyfriends until she is engaged or married.
It will go something like this: “Never allow yourself to be used as cheap sex, cheap rent, and free maid service. A diamond ring and an eternal, legally-binding promise is the price you come at. May you forever be too proud and arrogant to go on sale and be had at a discount.”
I know you two lived together, and it worked out. However, I’ve had too many phone calls from my shacked-up friends with their breakup sob-stories. I’m often the shoulder they cry on as it goes down in flames and they struggle finding a new place to live.
Cat – I totally agree. It’s a cautionary tale for my future daughter too. For me, I went into moving in with my then-boyfriend (turned husband) aware of the risk/benefit balance, and it was worth it to me. But, heh, the cheap sex, cheap rent, and free maid service does work both ways (a fact Dr. Laura never really understood).
And while we’re on the subject, I’m a huge advocate of the idea that women should spend at least some years working and living alone (with roommates is fine, but preferably alone) prior to marriage.
After you leave mom & dad and before you live with your husband, spend some years living alone and balancing a budget, fixing appliances, being brave when you hear scary noises at night, getting pissed at the taxes that come out of your paycheck, etc. You see the world through a man’s eyes. There are gold mines of learning experiences to be had and it’s the last chance you may get.
Totally agree – you have to know how to be alone before you should be with someone. Not my favorite lesson, as a die-hard extrovert who hates being alone, but one I think I learned. Traveling by myself was great too, for just those reasons. You gain a lot of confidence in your ability to handle whatever happens.
Don’t know what to write about any more? Lady, you still owe us recaps of the wedding. So far I’ve heard that you loved it, that your ceremony included tears and tissue sharing, but I need MOAR. I need to see pictures of the set up tables, for instance. How did you feel getting ready? How did you feel walking up the aisle? How did the dancing go? Etc etc. Give me a minute by minute description of how you felt about everything that ever happened. I’ll allow one paragraph per description, for a total of 480 paragraphs. Have it on my desk by the morning.
Frugallywed, I <3 You. You’re absolutely right, and I will make it my mission to document the entire wedding weekend, with pictures. The pictures are the tricky part though, because we’re looking to get the professional shots published on a Big Girl Blog.
Oooh la la, Miss Fancypants
Can’t wait to see it. Also, can’t wait to find out which blog you’re referring too.
<3 back at ya.
Before I moved in with my fiance, we had a discussion about how it was a step on the path to marriage, so if either of us was unsure about wanting to travel in that direction, we could back out before a lease was signed.
If someone strung me along for four years while all the while “not feeling it” I might be compelled to shank him.
With that said, however, the only people who know what is really going on inside a relationship are the people in it, and while she may seem perfect on the outside, it could be a different case behind closed doors–you never know!
thanks for sharing the link to etsy article!